


Journal Keeper

by obvious_apostate



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: And then lost family, Angst, Episode 60 Spoilers, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Minor OC Mention, Non-Graphic Violence, RIP animal planet, Temporary Character Death, because angst remember, but some happiness too, i mean you spend a century together you gotta become family, lucretia makes me very sad okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-22 19:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10703385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obvious_apostate/pseuds/obvious_apostate
Summary: The world ended, but she's not alone. She has Magnus and Merle. Taako and Lup and Barry and Davenport. And she has her journals.She'll be alright.(Or: Filling in some blanks from Episode 60 and onwards.)





	1. Chapter 1

The first night on the new world - the first night without their own world - is quieter than Lucretia might have expected.

The captain had ‘parked’ the ship in midair, several hundred feet above the ground. “Out of range of any arrows and most spells.” He had explained, maybe more to himself than to anyone else, and it was the last thing any of them had said for hours. 

Evening finds them all on the main deck of the _Star Blaster_. They hadn't seen anything even vaguely threatening during their flyover, but Magnus is walking the side of the ship regardless, peering overboard once in awhile, hands in his pockets and slight frown on his face. The rest of them sit around a small fire, enchanted so it won’t singe the floorboards. Merle is tending to something in a small pot, but the boiling liquid and the crackling fire are the only sounds to be heard.

Lucretia wonders if this is normal, in the wake of a traumatic event. This silence. Of course - with the obvious exception of Lup and Taako - they don't really know one another, they had only all met for the first time several weeks ago. Even so, she thought there would be talking. Confused, and frightened, and maybe angry talking, but conversation all the same. And crying, definitely crying. They had just lost everything, and everyone. 

But there’s only silence.

She thinks of her own family, and wonders why she herself isn’t crying. She thinks of her father’s cooking and his crooked smile, her mother’s paintings and her soft embrace, her sister’s beautiful singing voice. She had just been cast in an important musical production, and had asked Lucretia that very morning if she would come to her first performance.

_“I wouldn’t miss it. I’ll only be gone two months. Save me a spot in the front row for opening night!”_

She frowns, and props open the journal sitting on her lap. _Why isn’t she crying?_ Disbelief? Of course. Denial? Probably. Shock? Undeniably. The tears will come later, she figures, as she starts to write. She wants to record as much as she can to remember her family before that happens. 

The quiet stretches on until finally, _finally_ , someone breaks it. Barry clears his throat, and looks around at them, almost nervously. “So...do you think anyone else might have made it out?”

Lucretia keeps writing, as much as she can - she has to - but she listens to her companions as well.

“Don’t be an idiot, Barold.” Taako is sitting beside him, leaning back on his hands and staring into the fire. His reply seems almost automatic, but the natural scorn that was often present in his voice is missing, and he sounds tired. Lup, on Taako’s other side, reaches over and places her hand over his without looking, not breaking her own staring contest with the flames. 

“We have the only ship that was built with the capability to move between planes.” Davenport supplies, more helpfully, but with a similar defeated tone. 

“Right...right.” Barry nods, looking down at his lap. “I was just hoping...well, you know, our families...” 

“We know.” Merle adds some kind of dried plant to his pot. “But there’s no use beating around the bush, kid. All we can do is hope they didn’t suffer and accept that they’re gone.”

_Gone._

Lucretia stops writing - she had been in the middle of a paragraph about the family vacation they took to the sea when she was ten. She and her sister had collected shells on the beach. There was a particularly beautiful blue one which had sat on a shelf in their parents’ kitchen in all the years following. Looking at it always brought back such fond memories for her, but -

But it was gone now. 

_They_ were gone now.

She drops her pen as she lets out a sudden sob, startling herself as much as those around her. 

So maybe that was the reason for the silence. Because speaking would lead to acknowledging that it had really happened. Speaking led to harsh, inescapable truth. It was all really, truly, _gone_.

She’s crying now, sobbing and shaking and holding her hands to her face. The world may have ended, but hers was only finally catching up and falling to pieces as the word echoed in her mind. _Gone, gone, gone._

Suddenly, there are arms wrapped around her. Big, burly arms, not exactly comforting - nothing was going to console her now - but slightly grounding all the same. She looks up at who she already knows must be Magnus with bleary eyes. It’s a small shock to see he’s crying too, but a split second later she decides there’s no reason for that surprise. Why shouldn’t he be crying as well? She’s not the only one who lost her entire life. They should _all_ be devastated, right? 

She glances around at the others. Merle is glaring pointedly at his work, blinking fiercely and stirring more vigorously than was likely necessary. Davenport had left the fire, he was now standing at the railing and fiddling with his Stone of Far Speech, despite the fact he knew better than any of them it was useless now. Lup and Taako haven’t moved, with the exception that they might be gripping each other’s hands a little tighter than before. And Barry, knees brought up to his chest and arms wrapped around them, looks as inconsolable as she feels as he sobs. 

It seems that Magnus notices too. “Bring it in, Bluejeans.” He wipes a red sleeve across his face before gesturing for Barry to come over. 

A moment later there is another near stranger wrapping his arms around Lucretia, and in any other imagined circumstance, this would be the nightmare scenario. But she had never imagined the end of the world, so instead she just hugs him back, resting her head on his shoulder as the tears continue. 

She isn’t sure how long the three of them sit there, choked sobs quieting but never really stopping, but eventually Merle approaches them with three small, steaming mugs. He holds them out. “This’ll help.”

Magnus disentangles himself from the hug first, accepting the drink without question or comment. Soon the seven of them are once again sitting around the fire in silence - or near silence, the occasional sniffle or sob goes without comment - sipping from mugs. Lucretia doesn't know what it is, but it's warm and somehow soothing so she isn’t going to question it. 

After awhile, Barry is the one to speak first again. “My grandmother used to make something similar to this.” He smiles softly, the expression contrasting with his red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. “I was going to visit her once we got home.”

“I was going get a dog...well, another one.” Magnus says after a moment, smiling a little as well. “Can never have too many, right?”

“My sister was going to be the lead in a musical...I was going to see it.” Lucretia finds herself saying, sharing in the conversation without really thinking about it. It felt a bit therapeutic, actually. “She was really good.”

“I was going to get fifteen dollars from Greg Grimmaldis...guess he’s off the hook.” Lup grumbles, and surprised laughter from several of the others follows her comment. Lucretia finds herself included, the ridiculousness of the statement so unexpected that she can’t help it. It feels good to laugh, though, and Lup gives her a grin across the fire, raising her mug slightly in acknowledgement.

The conversation continues, somehow more relaxed than it had ever been between them before. There are important things to discuss, confusing and frightening things, but it can wait one night. Soon, Lucretia feels composed enough to retrieve her journal and pen, giving one last shaky sigh before returning to the story of her family and shells and the sea. The quiet conversation of the people around her is welcome and - dare she say, unexpectedly comforting - background noise to her memories as she writes them down.

She has her coworkers. And she has her journals.

She’ll be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking for days of writing a drabble about the events and aftermath of episode 60, but somehow that turned into four parts. In a perfect world I'd have everything edited and posted by next Thursday when the new ep is out and probably renders it all void, but we'll see what happens.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	2. Chapter 2

On their third morning on the new world, Davenport finds a small, empty clearing to land the _Star Blaster_. They check the area thoroughly for any danger, but there is still nothing that could be considered a threat. Magnus suggests they set up round-the-clock watches, but that only ends up lasting a few days once they realise there really seems to be nothing and no one around besides the strange animals. Once in awhile, Lucretia sees a deer or a rabbit watching them intently from the edge of the forest, but they always disappear when they notice her staring. Strange animals indeed, but not exactly threatening. 

It takes a surprisingly short amount of time for them to fall into a sense of routine on this animal planet - their new home? Lucretia isn’t ready to call it that yet, isn’t sure she ever will be, but routine brings stability, and no apocalyptic disasters, and that's enough for now.

~

Davenport remains their captain, in name as well as in spirit. The mission he’d worked towards for most of his life had ended within minutes of its beginning, but if anything that seems to make him put even more effort towards keeping everything running as smoothly as possible. He spends most of his days on the ship, quiet for the most part, cleaning and tinkering with things still too new to require either. Evenings find him on the main deck, his work spread around him as he attempts to chart the new patterns of stars they find themselves under.

Merle is often busy during the days, studying the plants on their new world, comparing them to those he knows from their old one. Sometimes Lucretia joins him on his walks, he doesn’t talk a lot but she always listens attentively when he does, pointing out something edible here or something poisonous there. At night he joins Davenport more often than not, and they discuss the stars, jotting notes here and there and consulting books both scientific and spiritual.

Lucretia is outside as well one evening, taking notes of the day's events by the fire, when the captain calls her over to their small work station.

“What is it?” She’s careful not to disturb the papers surrounding them.

Davenport points upwards, towards a pattern of stars that seem to twinkle more dimly than the others. It actually takes her a moment to see them at all. “See there? That’s a constellation from home.”

Lucretia feels her heart skip a beat at the mention of home, then mentally scolds herself. _So what? It’s still gone._ “What does that mean?”

Davenport is plotting stars on his map intently, but answers without looking up. “It’s a starting point to possibly figuring out where, exactly, we are. The navigation instruments were haywire during the...flight here, useless, but they all seem to be working now. It’ll take some time, but it’s something.”

“You think we would be able to go back?”

“I don’t know.” He stops to look up at her seriously, and Merle looks grim. “I’m not trying to get your hopes up, Lucretia. But if we can figure out what happened, then maybe we can stop it from happening again.”

She nods after a moment, knowing that that was a far more important mission than the one they had originally set out on, even if they could have never imagined it would ever be necessary. 

~

Taako and Lup had largely kept to their own devices prior to the start of their mission, and nothing about that changes much in the beginning. It’s only been about a week when Lup announces, one morning as they all sit around the solitary table in the mess hall, that she and her brother would be leaving shortly after breakfast. 

“Leaving? Where to?” Magnus manages to ask between mouthfuls of cereal. “Do you need me to -”

“Listen, Mags, we _don’t_ need you.” Taako rolls his eyes before taking his toast, which had been buttering itself several inches above his plate. “We’re going to find some - some animals, I guess - try to communicate with them. See if we can learn anything.”

“That sounds like a great idea!” Barry seems genuinely intrigued. “Do you think I could come with you guys? I've read some books about linguistics, I’m not sure how handy it will be when it comes to animals, but -”

Lup raises a hand in the universal gesture of ‘shut up’, and Barry does, cheeks turning the slightest shade of red. She and Taako share a long look, and Lucretia wonders briefly about any truth there might be to the twin telepathy she’d heard about once, but then Taako gives an exaggerated sigh and they both shrug, near simultaneously. Barry assumes that’s the closest to agreement he’s going to get, and grins at both of them. “This’ll be great!” 

And so Lucretia sees even less of Barry and the twins in the following weeks, as they leave after breakfast and often only return as it’s beginning to get dark. Conversations with them are not usually an option, as they spend dinners practicing the animal language with each other, much to the bemusement of the others. 

In fact, Lucretia is actually a little surprised when Barry approaches her one night, a deck of cards in hand. “Want to play?” 

She sets her pen down, using it to mark her place in the journal before closing it. “Sure.”

It’s quiet for a bit as he deals out the cards. “I don’t know a lot of games.” She says eventually. “Are you sure you don’t want to play with someone else?” She doesn’t want to seem uninterested, but she is genuinely curious.

He takes it in stride. “No problem, I’ll teach you, if you’d like a break from your writing. And to be honest, I can’t play with Lup and Taako anymore, I don’t have anything left I can lose.”

She laughs and nods in understanding. “No gambling, just for fun.”

They play a few rounds before Lucretia excuses herself to go and grab them some drinks from the kitchen. She finds the twins busy at work - Lup fussing over something at the stove, and Taako busy with a mixing bowl at the counter.

“Actually using your hands instead of magic, impressive.” Lucretia mumbles to herself, a mere passing thought more than any intended malice, but she remembers just a moment too late the sensitivity of elf ears. 

Taako stops stirring and turns around, an unreadable expression on his face, and Lucretia feels her cheeks heat up. “I’m sorry Taako, I didn’t mean -”

“Damn Lucy, was that some sarcasm or what?” His face splits into a grin, maybe the most genuine she’s seen from him yet. “Nice!”

Lup laughs and shoots her a thumbs up. “I knew you had it in you. What did I tell you, bro? You’re on dish duty for the next week, you just lost the bet!”

Taako shrugs and goes back to stirring. “Worth it.”

Not entirely sure what just happened, Lucretia grabs a bottle and two glasses before excusing herself and making her way back to Barry and the card game.

_Lucy_...she figures it was only a matter of time before she was christened with a nickname as well. She decides she doesn’t mind at all. 

~

Magnus continues to take his role as Head of Security seriously, walking the edges of the clearing every morning and evening, even if it seems useless to the rest of them. The time between his two patrols is often spent working out in one way or another - more than once Lucretia has to decline a polite request to deadlift her - but even that would only hold his attention for so long. They were often the only two left at the ship during the day, if Merle and Davenport were on one of their exploration ventures (a relatively recent development), and so there are times that Lucretia finds herself being watched by an intrigued looking Magnus as she scribbles away. It’s never for long though, before he wanders off in search of something new to try. She could never fault him for not trying to keep himself busy. 

She wanders outside on a particularly nice day, journal tucked under her arm, looking forward to getting some work done out in the sun. Magnus is sitting on one of the stumps by the unlit fire, holding a small block of wood in one hand and a weathered looking knife in the other. 

“What are you doing?” She asks as she takes a seat beside him.

“I’m not really sure...” He looks almost sheepish as he shoots her a grin. “I’ve always had a bit of an interest in woodwork, you know? Never bothered to learn, but I seem to have no shortage of spare time these days...”

Lucretia nods and gestures to the piece of wood. “So what are you waiting for? You have to start somewhere.” 

“I don’t know what to make. Any ideas?”

She glances around, noticing a pair of eyes watching them before disappearing in a rustle of feathers through the grass. “How about a duck?”

He laughs at that, but shrugs and begins his slightly shaky carving. Lucretia opens her journal to begin the day’s chronicling. It’s quiet for awhile, but in a companionable sort of way rather than an awkward one. Eventually, Magnus clears his throat to get her attention, and he holds up his creation. “What do you think?”

_Good question._ “It’s...very nice!” She tries to sound convincing, and thinks she mostly succeeds.

“You paused. There was a pause there.”

“No, really. It’s good for your first try!” And that was true, at least. It isn’t the worst duck she's ever seen...

Magnus considers that. “Really? Thanks!”

They both look up as they hear footsteps, and a few moments later Barry, Lup, and Taako walk out of the trees. Lup sees the carving in Magnus’ hand. “Where’d you get the deformed dragon, Maggie?”

Well. Duck or dragon, it was still a valiant first effort. 

~

Through it all, Lucretia writes. She writes about botany lessons and astronomy lessons, about walks through the forest and evenings spent on the deck staring up at the stars. She writes about strange animal languages and card games and chronic gamblers and crude wooden ducks. Or dragons. She has to admit, Lup _did_ have a point...

She includes all of it, though, because this would be a story worth telling one day, even if she didn’t know when - or if - she’d have a chance to tell it. 

~

And then, one morning nearly a year after they first landed, there is no more routine. 

Sure, there had been changes here and there - Merle and Davenport gone for longer periods of time, Barry and the twins back at the ship more often, Magnus training each day with the Bear of Power after the group’s...strange confrontation with the animals at the royal court - but there was a sense of security in the last, mostly predictable months. Maybe even safety. Maybe even the beginnings of home.

It seems to only take a moment, and then there’s no routine. No security. No safety. And no home. 

They are standing before the court, so close to getting back the Light of Creation, their chance to try and fix things - or save things? They aren’t exactly sure. But then it doesn’t matter, because the sky goes dark and the colour in the world around them fades and Lucretia remembers and she’s never felt so afraid. The last time was frightening, undeniably so, but it was unknown. She knows what will happen now, and that makes it so much worse. 

Everything happens at once, and she doesn’t move. She can’t. She can’t move as the huge, black tendril descending from the sky crushes the animals in front of them. She can’t react when she hears Davenport yell for them to leave, to get back to the ship. She barely registers the fact that Taako and Lup are on their way out before he even finished that sentence, the trail of fireballs marking the path of their exit and Barry close behind them. It’s not until Merle is pulling on her arm, all but dragging her back the way they had come that she suddenly springs back to life, back to the present. She moves to run with him and draws her wand to fight off the shadow creatures as they go.

It’s chaotic, an adrenaline-infused blur of events that lead them back to the _Star Blaster_ , but somehow they make it and she’s on the main deck, on her knees and breathing hard - it seems impossible to catch her breath. When she hears the engine come to life she looks up and around at her companions. Davenport is at the control panel, one hand on the wheel and the other pushing buttons at an impressive pace. Taako and Lup are sitting on the far side of the deck, leaning heavily against the railing and more disheveled than she had ever seen them. Lup seems to have some sort of burn on her arm, but she’s pushing Taako’s hands away, brushing off his worried expression impatiently as she just about seems ready for round two, moving to grab her wand and stand up. Barry and Merle are at the railing closest to Lucretia, looking overboard worriedly. It takes her only a second to understand why, and she struggles to her feet to join them. “Where’s Magnus?!”

“We must have lost him on the way back. I thought he was behind us.” Merle shakes his head as the ship begins to rise off the ground. 

“We can’t leave!” She sounds nearly hysterical, but it barely registers. “We have to find Magnus!”

Davenport holds the ship steady a moment, but even that is more than enough time for the shadows to begin to take hold of the ship. And in that moment the captain knows, Lucretia knows, they all know - they can’t stay, they won’t find him, and they have to leave. 

The ship pulls away from the tendrils, picking up speed and height, evasive maneuvers in full effect as they leave another world, and Magnus, behind.

What happens after they cross the barrier between planes is unexpected, and unexplainable, and unbelievable, and Lucretia will have to find a way to describe it for her journals, but it will have to wait. Because _Magnus_ is standing with them once again, looking slightly off (she’ll realise later it’s the black eye), and glancing around with an expression she can’t even begin to identify. 

“What...the fuck...just happened...” He raises his hands towards his face, as if to check they’re really there. 

And then he’s surrounded, Barry hugging him fiercely and Merle clapping him on the back and Taako and Lup make their way over, congratulating him for “defeating fucking death itself.” Davenport doesn’t leave the wheel, still focused on their departure, but he wears a smile that echoes the relief Lucretia feels as she too wraps her arms around Magnus. 

It doesn’t make sense. None of it does. A year ago they lost everything, and everyone. Today they lost even more, and then somehow were given a small piece of it back. She couldn’t question that too hard. She would write about it later, try to understand it of course, but she would accept it regardless of logic or sense.

Because somehow they are alive. All of them. 

_All of them._

She has her friends. And she has her journals.

She’ll be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was my understanding that Magnus started his apprenticeship and the following carpentry career with Steven post-Stolen Century. If that's not correct...whoops. Very sorry.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

It takes three more years, three more planets, for someone else to die. 

It’s during that time that they begin to realise there’s a sort of pattern to this apocalypse, this entity that devoured entire worlds at a time. They’d have a year, give or take a few weeks, to learn what they could to try and stop it, to try and find the Light of Creation if possible, to warn the world’s inhabitants if they could, and then they’d be gone again, outrunning a horror that never seemed to tire of chasing. 

And each time, when they moved between planes, everything - including themselves - shifted to mirror their exact positions from when they left home. To look at any of them would suggest that not even a day had passed, let alone a year. The only physical proof of the things they witnessed in the previous months were written with meticulous detail in Lucretia’s journals. 

“Immortality isn’t exactly what I thought it would be.” Lup muses one night after their third escape and subsequent arrival in a new reality. Lucretia doesn’t much care for this one. It’s cold, very cold, a frozen wasteland as far as they can see. She’s not even sure they landed on the actual ground - it’s all ice and snow, with enormous cracks splitting the terrain here and there. When they had peered over the edge of one of them, nobody could tell how far down it went. 

“I think it’s less immortality and more of a...hard reset, in a way.” Barry stokes the fire they’re all huddled around. “Immortality would suggest living continuously in a linear timeframe, and I think we can all agree at this point that that isn’t what’s happening here.”

Lup shrugs, tugging the blanket she’s sharing with Taako a little closer around her shoulders. “Maybe. Or, maybe, immortality means living for- _fucking_ -ever. Not dying. Exhibit A: To my left.” She gestures at Magnus, who only shrugs.

“We won’t be able to test that theory unless it happens again, and I can’t imagine anyone volunteering.”

Lucretia shoots him a curious glance at that. Magnus had never spoken much about his death, temporary as it had been. He had lamented a probable lack of hard candies on the other side, insisted he was completely fine and more than happy to be back, and that had essentially been that. 

Unsurprisingly, no one offers their name to volunteer - “Are you sure Barold?” Taako asks, feigning seriousness. “Not even for _science?_ ” Lup elbows him in the side, maybe a little harder than was necessary - and eventually talk turns to other matters.

Time passes, with exploration and excavation and snowball fights and hot cocoa. They spend an entire month exploring a cave system Merle finds starting several feet below the ice, and when that brings up no leads and nothing to follow up on, the following two weeks are spent building an intricate sort of ice castle, big enough for all of them to move around inside comfortably. 

“Why are we even doing this?” Davenport asks halfway through week one, sounding a bit grumbly for someone who was freely volunteering his time to the cause. 

“Morale, Cap’nport, gotta keep up that morale.” Magnus offers cheerfully, packing snow onto the walls to fill in any cracks. 

The finished product certainly makes the ensuing snowball fights more interesting, and Davenport has no more pseudo-complaints. 

They never find anyone - or anything - else on the world, and some part of Lucretia is glad for that. There will be less guilt when they inevitably have to leave, abandoning only snow and ice, rather than any living thing. 

Because the year passes, and then it ends, and once again Lucretia finds herself running for the _Star Blaster_.

She’s out walking with Merle and Barry, the ship in sight but not exactly close, when the sky darkens. They don’t need to exchange a word as they start to run and the colours around them start to fade. Lucretia can’t help but think it’s strange, all this time she thought the whole world was colourless with its white landscapes and grey skies, but she can certainly recognise its absence now.

In front of them, the engine on the _Star Blaster_ comes to life, raising the ship a few feet off the ground. She can make out people moving on the deck, still too far to see who exactly, but a rope ladder unrolls over the side of the railing as the ship begins to move towards them. 

Tendrils are starting to descend from the sky, there’s an earsplitting cracking sound, and Lucretia nearly loses her footing as the ground beneath her feet lurches violently. She slows a bit to regain her balance, checking on her friends behind her. They’re both there, only a few paces behind her - Merle impressively keeping pace, for the most part, with the two humans - as is a massive crack in the ice behind them that hadn’t been there a moment before. She watches as dark smoke starts to rise from the fracture, materialising into shadows in humanoid forms. 

“Keep going!” Barry yells, having nearly caught up in the moment she slowed down, and she’s running again, as best she can as several more fissures in the ice split open around them. 

The _Star Blaster_ is close now. She can see Lup and Taako at the bow, shooting off Scorching Rays and Magic Missiles, hitting targets behind them that she won't bother turning to see. 

She does turn to see, though, when three things happen in near succession. First, another crack echoes around them, and she does lose her footing this time as the ground shifts to pitch her forward. Second, she lands hard on her hands and knees, Barry doing the same beside her, but she doesn’t stop to think about any pain as she’s already getting back to her feet. And third, she hears a short yell, but it’s cut off quickly and she immediately wishes she hadn’t when she turns just in time to see Merle disappear into the massive crevice that had just opened up behind them, smokey shadows already beginning to seep out of it. 

Lucretia only stares a second longer, noticing Barry, still on the ground, doing the same out of the corner of her eye. She reaches down to grab his arm, hauling him to his feet and then they’re running again, keeping each other supported as they trip and slide the rest of the way to the _Star Blaster_.

They reach the ladder, and the ship starts to gain elevation the moment they’re both climbing. Magnus helps each of them over the side of the railing, and Lucretia sinks to the floor once their relative safety seems secured. She’s trying to catch her breath and talk at the same time, and so only partially succeeds at both. “Merle - he -”

“We saw.” Magnus looks grim as he moves to sit beside her, Barry on her other side. The twins make their way over as well, little else for them to do now at this speed and height. Nothing for any of them to do but wait it out, and see if immortality - or the hard reset - would prove true for others besides Magnus. 

It’s only a few minutes later and they pass between planes, feel everything shift, and sure enough Merle is standing with them, small cut on his forehead and expression near identical to Magnus’ three years before. 

“I...don’t need the same welcome-back, I mean I only just -” He’s cut off by Lucretia’s hug, Barry and Magnus joining in a moment later. Even the twins get involved, even if it is less bear hug and more one-armed squeeze. 

“Exhibit B: Merle Highchurch!” Lup grabs his hand and raises it above his head, as if he just won some sort of competition. “Immortality, for better or for worse, is ours!”

~

That night, when Lucretia is writing by candlelight, quiet as she can so to not disturb Lup up on the bunk above her, she tries to capture the day’s events as thoroughly as she can, but it’s difficult. How can she describe, so objectively, witnessing the death of one of her friends? It was hard when it was Magnus too, of course, but that was years ago. They’ve had - literally - nothing but time to grow closer as a group, and that did not lend itself to her attempts at impartial journalism. She decides it’s a difficulty worth having, however, if it means they’re all still alive and together. She’ll manage to get it done.

~

More years pass, they close in on a decade, and more people die.

Sometimes they’ll go a year or two with no casualties, but it seems more often than not someone isn’t fast enough - or lucky enough - to make it to the ship. Even as they begin to learn more about The Hunger (as they have come to call it), begin to learn what it might be, where it came from, and how to fight it, the entity always seems to be one step ahead of them. One year, they barely have time to register the drain of colour around them before tendrils are coming from the sky. Luckily, they had all been on or near the _Star Blaster_ and so are making their ascent within a minute. Unluckily, and for the first time - therefore throwing the figurative wrench in all future escapes to come - a tendril shoots out of the clouds with lightning speed, wrapping itself around Davenport’s neck and yanking him away from the controls and off the ship before any of them have time to react. 

Lucretia runs to the control panel as the rest of them draw weapons, but nothing else comes to attack them. In fact, it’s the smoothest escape Lucretia can recall, no dodging necessary as the ship continues to move up and away from the world below them slowly being consumed. _It is just playing with them? Seeing what will happen without a captain?_ She looks to the controls, she isn’t sure what most of the buttons do but Barry joins her a moment later and they manage to keep the _Star Blaster_ moving until they cross planes. 

“Alright then.” Davenport moves to the control panel as soon as he’s back, quick enough to avoid any incoming hugs. “As much as I’d prefer that _not_ happen again, I’ll be teaching everyone the basics of flight, _just in case_.”

~

More years, a decade becomes two, more death.

The Hunger finds them quickly this time. They’re all on the ground beside their ship, doing their best to fight off the shadow creatures as Davenport runs to get the engine going. The creatures are swarming out of the forest, their weapons seeming to be literal extensions of their arms. Lucretia is moving quickly, throwing up barriers and shooting spells, but she falters for a second when she hears a scream. 

She looks to her left to see Taako, and she’s confused. He seems fine, but he’s not doing anything now, only staring with an expression she’s never seen from him - fear, pure fear, not masked behind any sort of disdain or indifference. She follows his gaze and knows why instantly.

Lup, her back to the rest of them, is nearly surrounded, still standing, but perhaps only because of the dark sword stuck straight through her stomach. The creature that it’s attached to pulls it out slowly, back and upwards, and the sword slices easily through her torso, smoking as it does so. When it finally pulls away entirely, Lup’s body hits the ground hard and Lucretia knows there’s no one for them to save. 

The _Star Blaster_ starts to hover behind them, and Davenport yells for them to get onboard, throwing the ladder over. Barry and Merle head for the ship, having been a ways away and not witness to what she saw. Lucretia runs for Taako, grabbing hold of his arm and pulling, but he doesn’t seem to even notice her presence. He’s near catatonic, staring at his fallen sister even as the creatures move to swarm them. 

“Taako, we have to go, she’ll be okay, come on...” She’s rambling, she knows it - even if there’s truth to the rambling - but she can’t get him to follow her. 

But then Magnus is there, grabbing Taako around the middle and all but throwing him over his shoulder. “Come on!”

They get to the ship, shadows swallowing up the world behind them, and soon they’re in the air. Soon they’re shifting, and soon Lup is with them once again. 

“Well that’s not exactly pleasant, is it?” She looks around at them, all staring at her with varying degrees of uncertainty, and snorts a little. “What? I don’t get a big welcome back?”

Barry clears his throat a little, gesturing to Taako, who’s still sitting on the deck where Magnus had set him. He’s staring at her, but he doesn’t look happy - if anything he looks close to sobbing.

Lup’s face falls and she crosses the deck, kneeling in front of her brother. “Hey, c’mon. You knew I’d be back right? Of course I would be!” 

He throws his arms around her as he bursts into tears, and she immediately hugs him back just as fiercely. Lucretia blinks hard a few times and decides she’s needed elsewhere. Everyone else seems to have the same idea, and the twins are left alone on the main deck.

If she was to be completely honest with herself, Lucretia finds it unbelievable that it took as long as it did for Lup to go, for however short a time. But she can’t get that scream out of her head, and there’s a small, selfish part of her that can’t help but think maybe, in some way, it was a blessing that her family isn’t here with her. They would never suffer, and she would never have to witness their deaths. Repeatedly. That night, she can only write a simple _Lup died, and now she’s back_ before deciding she won’t dwell on it any longer. 

~

Year thirty one presents a new challenge. 

This planet is somewhat similar to what their own was, or at least it’s the closest that they’ve seen in a long while. There are humans, there are towns, and there are - 

“Bars!” Taako yells with delight, making a beeline for the shady looking tavern when they wander into civilization, a couple months after landing. They had been watching, and waiting, and had decided it seemed safe enough to try and interact with the locals. 

As the rest of them follow Taako inside, even the interior of the bar reminds Lucretia of their last night at home. While the majority of their party receives a range of glances - from mere curiosity to evident distrust - most of the people inside go back to their drinks without fuss. It doesn’t take long for the twins to get a pool game going with soon-to-be-sorry paricipants, and the rest of them enjoy a few drinks at a booth. Eventually they’re joined by the twins, ladened with coins and trinkets and clothing items and withering glares from across the room. 

However, it’s not until they’re halfway out of town back towards the ship, several hours after sundown, that things go awry. 

“We would like to invite you to a rematch, our terms this time. It would be in your best interest.” A scruffy looking man meets them at a corner, and Lucretia assumes he must be one of the sore losers from the bar, as he’s addressing the twins.

Taako takes a moment, as if he’s actually considering. But then he laughs, and the man scowls. “My dude, my best interests have already been served tonight. It would be in yours to skedaddle off now.”

“Besides, there’s seven of us? And, one of you?” Lup looks torn between admiration of the man’s nerve and annoyance at the interruption.

The man’s scowl deepens, but he inclines his head and moves to the side of the street so they can pass. Magnus raises his axe slightly as he takes the lead, but the walk by without incident. They actually make it several streets over before Lucretia hears something cutting through the air, followed by a dull thud and harsh exhalation of air. Her head whips around and she sees Barry, who had been walking several steps behind her, staring at her with a confused expression even as her eyes lower to the arrow sticking out of his chest. 

He falls to his knees before she can reach him, but even as she does they’re surrounded and she’s forced to defend them both rather than try to help him. 

The fight is quick but chaotic - the man and his friends really did have no chance once they lost their element of surprise. It is, however, long enough that by the time Merle can reach Barry, there’s nothing to be done. 

It’s a strange feeling, as they walk back to the ship in silence, Magnus carrying Barry’s body. Lucretia is at the back of the group again and she watches her friends, wiping away tears as she considers what will happen next. She’s seen them die, all of them - most more than once - but it was always during an escape, and they were back together within minutes. They still had months left on this planet - would that change the outcome of the reset? 

When its time to write in her journal, she can’t seem to make the words form. Finally, she simply writes Barry’s name, with a small tally mark beside it. She decides it’s enough to get the point across for anyone who might be reading it in the future.

They don’t go back to that town, or any town, for the rest of the year. Davenport sets the _Star Blaster_ down far enough from any civilization that it’s unlikely anyone will come across them. They bury Barry’s body - _their first actual funeral_ , Lucretia can’t help but think as she watches Magnus shovel dirt over their friend. They grieve and accept and do their best to carry on, learning about The Hunger when they can and training when they can’t. But it’s always in the back of Lucretia’s mind - the same goes for her friends, she knows even if they never talk about it - what will happen when the year is up?

~

And now they’re moments away from knowing, the _Star Blaster_ weaving its way between tendrils and clouds of darkness, and Lucretia feels an entirely new sort of apprehension as they make their way skyward. They cross planes, shift to a new reality, and -

And Barry J. Bluejeans is standing in front them, appearing very disoriented for a moment, but then he smiles wide and holds his arms out. “Well, who missed me?”

Lucretia runs to hug him, laughing the entire time. Magnus is there, Merle is there, _Taako_ is there, everyone lost in a tangle of arms and laughter and tears. Davenport is halfway over from the control panel to join them, but then Lucretia feels herself being pushed to the side. Lup is shoving her way through the crowd, even somehow manages to pry Magnus away from Barry, and then she’s grabbing him by the front of his red robe.

“H-hey Lup, how’s -” Barry’s cut off abruptly as she presses her lips against his, hard and desperate. Barry’s eyes go wide and his arms fall to his sides, having apparently been more thrown off by this than by being dead for eight months. 

Lup finally pulls away, quickly wipes away a tear, and tries to glare at him, though it seems more like she’s trying not to laugh. “Barold. Do not - I repeat - do not _ever_ do that again. Got it?”

“I, uh, I - yeah, I got it.” 

“Good.” She finally lets herself laugh, and throws her arms around him. 

It’s a quick journal entry that night - _Barry’s back_ is enough. 

~

On year sixty seven, they find themselves on a planet far more technologically advanced than any they’ve ever seen, and locals far friendlier than most, so they take advantage of both. 

“You’re telling me we won’t have to stand here for hours?” Merle still doesn’t seem convinced, even as they all walk into the studio. 

“No, sir.” The woman who owns the place smiles patiently. “It will only take a moment, but look just like a portrait once it’s developed.”

Merle looks skeptical, but takes his place near the front of the group. The woman moves to stand behind the camera - Lucretia is sure that’s what she called it - and she fiddles with a few dials. “Alright. Everyone looking over here? Say cheese!”

True to her word, it’s barely half an hour before they’re ready to leave the shop again, a large picture rolled up and tucked securely under Lucretia’s arm, and a smaller version in each of their hands. “Thank you so much, this is really amazing.” She shakes the woman’s hand as the others nod and chime in with their own praise.

“It was really no problem at all, I’m glad you’re all so happy with it!” She gives them a genuine smile as they file passed her on the way out the door.

Taako is last in the line, but he stops and turns around just as she’s about to close the door behind them. “Yeah, it’s really great, wahoo and all that. I just got one question before we go.”

“Yes?”

“What’s that word you said to us in there? Cheese? What is that?”

She gives him a curious look and laughs a little, like he’s told her some kind of clever joke. “Have a good day, sir.” She closes the door, and Taako shrugs.

“Just a question, sheesh...”

~

That evening, Lucretia unrolls the portrait - photograph? - carefully, looking it over. It really is amazing. They all look happy, free of any apocalyptic worries, at least for a little while. These are the times that make all the ones in between, and all the tally marks in her journal, so much easier to bear. And maybe even worth it, if they can find a way to defeat The Hunger in the end. She’s not sure where they’ll end up hanging the large copy, so she rolls it up again and sets it to the side. Instead, she takes her own smaller one and tucks it securely in her journal, between the pages that chronicle their day at a photo studio. She looks at it one more time, still smiling, before closing the book softly.

She has her family. And she has her journals.

She’ll be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♪ We could be immooorrrtaaaallllsss, just not for long, for loooonnnggg... ♪
> 
> My apologies for any editing mistakes, it's very late and I'm very tired but I wanted to get this posted tonight.
> 
> As always thank you so much for reading!! And if you like, come yell and cry about TAZ on [tumblr](http://obvious-apostate.tumblr.com/) with me! That would be real swell.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the updated tags. It's not graphic, and it's possibly canonish (when will we know??), but it's still there.

She knows it’s a mistake. She knows what they’re doing is wrong, it won’t work, and maybe she didn’t argue against it well enough, or even just adamantly enough. They still leave, out into this world they had arrived on to do what the majority had decided was necessary, even if it wasn’t _right_. Even Lup, worn down by decades of losses, the wins no longer enough to balance it out, goes along in the end. 

Lucretia holds the oak staff in her hand, glances at it with near contempt, her own contribution to this ill-fated attempt at a solution. She knows it’s hopeless, _knows it_ , which is why she can’t stand by and simply hope things will work out even though is crushes her to realise it. 

She’s the only one left at the ship. In case something went wrong, so there was someone left to fly the _Star Blaster_ out and reset the cycle. It had been a strange, almost detached sort of situation, as she thinks back on it. She can see herself nodding along to Davenport’s explanation, like she understood the importance of doing so - and she would have, once upon a time. 

_“No one should take longer than a few days.” Davenport is readying the round, glasslike escape pods they had installed on the ship in the last decades. “We’ll get this done. I hope you understand, Lucretia, it’s our best chance.”_

_She nods absently, watching him, watching all of them. She wants to remember them like this. Knowing themselves, knowing each other, knowing her._

_Some of them, like Magnus, already have places in mind where they want to hide their pieces of the Light. Others decided it would be even safer if they landed randomly, and would make their way back afterwards from wherever they ended up. They’re worried about time, so they’re all going now, separately, and in theory Lucretia will be going as well as soon someone else gets back to the ship. She knows that isn’t going to happen, even if the rest of them don’t._

_She watches them climb into the spheres one by one, struggling to wave with both sincerity and nonchalance, anything to make it seem nothing is entirely amiss. She wants to hugs them all, tightly and to never let go, to tell them she loves them all. But she can’t, it would raise too many red flags, and she knows soon it won’t even matter that she didn’t._

_They won’t remember._

_So she watches them go, the spheres disappearing into the distance, and she doesn’t look away for a very long time._

~ 

That had been two days ago, and if she’s going to do it, it has to be now - before anyone gets back. 

She’s sitting, alone - or not quite alone, because the Voidfish is there, has been since their last reset. She still doesn’t quite understand how it had stayed with them - nothing else of any notable intelligence had managed - but she’s grateful for it now. 

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” She pulls a journal towards herself as she asks, opening it to a random blank page. She doesn’t get an answer, didn’t really expect one, and begins to write. 

~

It’s been hours, she thinks she’s almost ready to give the Voidfish her account. Of course, she has to wait for everyone to call in, to tell her they’ve completed their missions, but she’ll be ready once they have. She had considered just giving it all of her journals, but that would erase too much. That, and, she wants something to help her remember. If that was all she was going to have left of her friends, she wants to keep it. 

She nearly jumps when the Stone of Far Speech sitting on the table beside her starts to talk, sounding tinny and a bit muffled. “Hey Lucy...Lucretia...you there?”

Her heart sinks, resolve already crumbling around the edges as she hears the voice, but she picks up the Stone regardless. “Lup, of course. What do you need?”

The answer is delayed, so much so that she nearly asks again, but then it comes through. “Oh, I don’t need anything. Just checking in, you know?”

She hadn’t spent a century with the elf woman to not be able to see right through her, whether she was there in person or not. “What happened? I’m serious.” She sets her pen down, waiting for an answer, knowing she won’t like whatever it turns out to be. 

“Weeeeellllll...there was a cave-in, or something, I guess?”

“You guess?”

“There’s no way I’m getting out of here unless someone finds me.” She sounds calm, but even through the Stone Lucretia can hear the smallest undercurrent of fear, and something else.

“Where are you?” Lucretia is already standing, reaching for the papers Davenport had left her, detailing relative - or precise, when possible - locations for where the pods would have dropped everyone off. Her own plan is already at the back of her mind now. “I’ll contact whoever’s closest to you, I’m sure they could get there in a few days -”

“No, listen, Lucy,” Lup cuts her off. The fear is still present, but there’s determination now too. “I didn’t contact anyone else because I don’t want them to know yet.”

Lucretia frowns, letting the papers fall back to the table as she slowly sits down again. “What do you mean? Why?”

There’s another long pause, Lucretia can only hear her breathing, and it sounds laboured now. _Is she hurt?_ Finally Lup replies, “I don’t think it would matter by then. I think I’m on the way out. Probably for the last time.”

She feels close to panicking now herself. “Don’t talk like that. I can contact Merle, anyone, they’ll find you and everything will be fine.”

Lup laughs, but it’s much quieter than Lucretia is used to and her heart breaks just a little more at the thought. “I know it will be fine. Maybe not for me, but for everyone else. _Everyone_ else. Every world. Little old me in exchange for that? Seems more than fair.”

“But -”

“The others need to finish their mission, I don’t want to be the reason it gets fucked up.”

She sounds so sincere, so at peace with her decision and her belief that what they’re doing is right, that her life is definitely a price worth paying, and Lucretia can’t stop the tears that are starting. “Lup...”

“C’mon Lucretia, you know it too. An entire world, maybe more, isn’t worth risking to save one life. Even one so great as mine.”

She lets out a sob, because she does know it’s true, and knows Lup believes it too, even if some of the others wouldn’t. “Taako won’t be happy with you.” She’s hoping, almost, that Lup will change her mind. She knows it’s a long shot, but it’s her only card to play.

Another long pause, even longer than the last. “He’ll be alright. He’ll understand, eventually. And Barry too. Everyone will.” She sounds less confident on this front, but no less resolute in her decision. 

They’re quiet for a bit, Lucretia taking the time to collect herself and her thoughts. She had been willing to erase parts of her friends’ memories, both the good and the bad, keep them from remembering one another all in the name of saving everything, but this? A century of welcoming each other back from the other side had done nothing to help prepare her for the idea of death as a finality again. 

“You’ll look out for them right?” Lup asks finally, voice fainter than before. "Especially Taako...he _will_ be okay, but it might take some time..." She almost sounds as if she's trying to convince herself, but Lucretia doesn't comment.

“Of course.” And she will, she’ll do her damnedest, even if it’s not quite in the way Lup’s imagining. “And...and if I ever get the chance, I promise I’ll get your fifteen dollars back.”

Lup laughs, but it quickly turns to a wet cough. “Atta girl. Spend it on something pretty.” She coughs again, harder than before, and sighs. “Lucy, I think I’ve gotta go lie down for awhile...”

The tears are back before she can stop them, and she nods a little even though there’s no one to see her but the Voidfish. There are so many things she wants to say, _needs_ to say, but she worries she’s already too late. “Lup?”

A horrible, long, silence, but finally a quiet, “Yeah?”

“Thank you.” She hopes it conveys enough, but she doubts she’d ever be able to fully explain, even with all the time in all the worlds. “And...and I love you. We all do, so much.”

“I know.” Lucretia imagines the smug little grin on Lup’s face, and can’t help but smile through her tears. “Back at ya. It’s all good, Lucy. I know you’ll do amazing things.”

It’s quiet after that. She keeps the Stone close by, just in case, but it’s silent.

Lucretia manages to include a few extra lines in her account for the Voidfish. Originally, she had edited their story in such a way that Lup and Taako would still be together, but she thinks of the previous times Lup died, when it wasn’t the final trip, and hopes it might be some small blessing if Taako doesn’t remember her at all.

When she’s finished writing, she finally lets herself cry openly, she doesn’t know for how long. She cries for Lup, for Taako and Barry, for all of her friends, for this mission so different from the one they signed up for, but the one they tried to carry out all the same. She cries for what they’ve done, for what they didn’t do, for what she’s about to do.

~

She does look out for them, all of them, as best she can for as long as she can. She tracks down Davenport, brings him back to the ship, she isn’t completely convinced he would make it out there on his own. The others seem to be doing alright, for the most part. 

She does what she can on her own over the years, attempts Wonderland, and the disastrous outcome leads to the creation of the Bureau of Balance. It’s almost a surreal realisation when it becomes obvious she needs to recruit the people she considered family once upon a time - still does, if she is being honest with herself, but she often tries to avoid the painful reality of doing so. The detachment is easier. At least, that’s what she tells herself.

Barry’s own eventual investigations begin causing some concern - he couldn’t interfere, not yet, she didn’t even know how he was doing it, how he was _remembering_ \- but that problem seems to resolve itself in Phandalin. An unfortunate resolution, she thinks, trying to remain indifferent as she listens to Killian retell the story, but a resolution nonetheless. 

But that detachment is tested in an entirely new way, not an hour later, when Magnus, Merle, and Taako are standing in front of her. The first time in years she’s seen any of them besides Davenport, and she barely manages to remain stoic. They’re different, all of them, but at the same time seeing them - alive and unharmed and it’s _really truly them_ \- is such a relief she can’t contain the little falters in the speech she’d rehearsed so many times before. The idea had been simple, to recite it from memory so she wouldn’t need to actually think about what was happening, but that was proving difficult now. 

“Welcome, the three of you, to the Bureau of Balance. It’s a pleasure to have you. I’ve - I’ve heard a lot of great things about your performance from Killian. Before we go any further I’m - I’m going to need you to hand over the Gauntlet so we can destroy it promptly.”

They stare at her, a stranger, make their distrust known is their own ways, and her resolution cracks just a bit more. She makes to distract them - and herself - with their payment, but then Magnus asks for her name and she’s fumbling again. 

“That’s actually classified, but -”

“Then how should we address you?”

 _Lucretia. Lucy, some of you would say._ She didn’t think this would be so hard. “Uh...The Director is fine...or Madam Director is fine also.”

The conversation derails for a moment after that, as the three of them bicker and tease one another. She’s brought back to countless nights around bar tables, or campfires, or the mess hall table where they all tried to eat together as often as possible. Nights full of bickering and teasing and camaraderie and family. 

She wants to tell Magnus he doesn’t need to try so hard to be polite, she’s just his friend the journal-keeper and he should know this. She wants to tell Merle that he can drop the gruff, merc-for-hire exterior, she’s seen his softer, kinder side countless times and he should know this. She wants to tell Taako that he’s not fooling anyone - “a simple idiot wizard,” _please_ \- and that he should know that she knows this. 

But instead she does her best to steer the conversation back on track, talking about Magic Brian and the Gauntlet. The Gauntlet made by one of her dearest friends, their friend, their _family_ , and she’s the only one in the room who knows it, and -

And _she didn’t think this would be so hard._

She’s interrupted again, but at least that gives her something else to focus on. 

“Remember Phandalin?”

“Yes, sadly I do - I do remember Phandalin.”

“Lucky, that’s lucky for you. Treasure that memory.”

She’s not so sure she will, but she wants so desperately to tell them about all of the others which she already does. 

~

It’s late, and Lucretia is in her office. The entire day had been more difficult than she had ever anticipated - her friends, watching her with all the familiarity of perfect strangers, seeing nothing but a potential employer as they did so. The Gauntlet, the umbrella - she had done her best to brush it off, even as her heart broke when she saw it in Taako’s hand - of course they would have found it in the cave, she was foolish to think it would be otherwise. She turns around in her desk chair slowly, to look up at the portrait of the seven of them. It’s been a long time, maybe years, since she’s really looked at it. She looks at the smiling faces, her own included, and hopes that they would understand - that those left will understand, if it ever comes to that. That they’ll understand, even if they won’t forgive. She wouldn’t blame them. 

She thinks of her friends, her family, oblivious because of her, but hopefully still able to save the world. 

_“Madam Director, we’re more than we appear, we promise.”_ Magnus had told her that back in the throne room. And she knows it’s true, probably better than they do. Even so, it had given her a feeling of hope, something she hadn’t realised - until that moment - she had been missing for a long, long time.

She makes her way to the bookshelf at the side of the room, filled entirely with small books. She chooses one, taking it back to her desk, and opens it to a random page. 

She’s alone, with a century’s worth of memories. But she has her journals.

She’ll be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are!
> 
> I might revisit this once canon is done and dusted, but for now consider it finished.
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read/kudos/comment, this was my first venture into both TAZ fic and multi-chapter ao3 posting, and I wasn't at all expecting such a warm reception. Y'all are the greatest! <3


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